There’s the person I was and then there’s the person I’ve become. I went from being independent, active, determined and relatively healthy to becoming dependent, less active and unable to work, scared and somewhat bitter. For me, ulcerative colitis is more than just having diarrhea. UC zaps my energy and I feel sick all the time. Sometimes I think that maybe I didn’t change that much after all because I am still determined to fight this illness. If I wasn’t already a determined person, I think I would have given up long ago. I am battling depression and close to losing the fight. It’s not a fun place to be and determination is my strongest ally.
I think people learn to adapt to their situation and that’s what makes humans survivors. I have survived eleven years of this hell. Some of the ways I cope are by writing and reading, which are great escapes from reality. I try to spend time with friends and family—I’ve succeeded in the family part of this, but am failing in the friends’ part, unless you count the Internet as spending time with friends. I suppose that’s better than nothing. The truth is I have retreated from social situations like my writer’s group. I still belong to the group, but I don’t attend the meetings anymore, mainly because I am just too tired and I have to be realistic about what I am able to do in a day. I have to make sacrifices.
It’s just hard sometimes to think that I used to be so active and happy doing something I loved and now I struggle through each day. Sometimes I feel like I am falling into a black hole or just barely keeping my head out of the water. Overwhelmed is the best way to describe this feeling.
Change is never easy. I have to put that person I was away in a drawer somewhere and concentrate on the person I am now, to focus on the positives in my life—a caring family, devoted husband, my writing, my dogs and try to accept what is and forget what was. I have evolved even if it’s not the evolution I envisioned or wanted.
I see only one option if I am to live a somewhat normal life: accept what is.
Colitis Chick
My Mad Colon
