Coping with change

There’s the person I was and then there’s the person I’ve become. I went from being independent, active, determined and relatively healthy to becoming dependent, less active and unable to work, scared and somewhat bitter. For me, ulcerative colitis is more than just having diarrhea. UC zaps my energy and I feel sick all the time. Sometimes I think that maybe I didn’t change that much after all because I am still determined to fight this illness. If I wasn’t already a determined person, I think I would have given up long ago. I am battling depression and close to losing the fight. It’s not a fun place to be and determination is my strongest ally.

I think people learn to adapt to their situation and that’s what makes humans survivors. I have survived eleven years of this hell. Some of the ways I cope are by writing and reading, which are great escapes from reality. I try to spend time with friends and family—I’ve succeeded in the family part of this, but am failing in the friends’ part, unless you count the Internet as spending time with friends. I suppose that’s better than nothing. The truth is I have retreated from social situations like my writer’s group. I still belong to the group, but I don’t attend the meetings anymore, mainly because I am just too tired and I have to be realistic about what I am able to do in a day. I have to make sacrifices.

It’s just hard sometimes to think that I used to be so active and happy doing something I loved and now I struggle through each day. Sometimes I feel like I am falling into a black hole or just barely keeping my head out of the water. Overwhelmed is the best way to describe this feeling.

Change is never easy. I have to put that person I was away in a drawer somewhere and concentrate on the person I am now, to focus on the positives in my life—a caring family, devoted husband, my writing, my dogs and try to accept what is and forget what was. I have evolved even if it’s not the evolution I envisioned or wanted.

I see only one option if I am to live a somewhat normal life: accept what is.

Colitis Chick

My Mad Colon

Chronic fatigue and colitis

What I don’t understand is I feel tired all the time even when it seems like I am in remission, but I’m not even sure I know when I’m in remission. I thought a flare = blood in the stool, but that’s not always the case with me. The other thing is, I don’t have a severe case of colitis. Mine is in the lower part of my colon and compared to other colitis sufferers, my case is mild. So why am I tired all the time? I’m not anemic. It could be because people with colitis don’t absorb nutrients and that could make me tired. But all my blood tests are normal and my doctor checked my thyroid and that is normal. Also, my hormones are normal. So what’s up with me?

I feel so frustrated because I feel like crap and the doctors can’t find anything really serious, but I’m scared. Who wants to feel tired and crappy all the time? I wonder if it’s a combination of things that are making me feel so sick—colitis, arthritis and moderate allergies (that cause chronic sinusitis) can all cause a person to feel crappy. It’s to the point where I can’t work anymore and I HATE that. I’m even having some mental problems that are freaking me out. Am I depressed? I have no idea. I suppose I could be depressed. I have good cause to be depressed having to deal with not one, but several medical conditions.

I don’t think I eat well either. I keep reading that a person should eat at least nine servings of vegetables a day. Nine? I don’t even eat that much in a day. How am I supposed to get in nine servings of vegetables? Most days I don’t want to eat much at all. Is that the same for most colitis sufferers? I’m trying to make my lunch more nutritional. I told my doctor what I was eating for lunch—crackers with cream cheese and her response was that it wasn’t very nutritional and was more like a snack rather than a meal. Hmm. She’s probably right. I’m trying to make improvements to my lunch by adding some tuna salad instead of cream cheese to the crackers. Crackers feel better on my tummy. The thought of eating nine servings of anything a day makes me feel queasy.

What do people with colitis like to eat?

Colitis Chick

My mad and tired colon

 

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